It brings it all back as if it were yesterday, it was 15 yrs ago, and I immediately get that yukky feeling in my stomach and all the fears, what if’s, thoughts and feelings come whizzing back to me. I now realise me and my body were in shock my mapped out future had crumbled. I was lucky in a way because I had no knowledge about blood cancers and there was so much less on the internet. I can remember looking on the internet and all I saw it said for chronic lymphocytic leukaemia was that there was a 5-10 yrs life expectancy. Therefore I went into practical mode to block out my feelings and re-wrote my will, sorted out my funeral and most importantly the music for it. The diagnosis was just before Christmas so I told everyone by writing it in my Christmas cards. I sent a card to a female acquaintance in California and our cards crossed over the Atlantic ocean and when I received hers she had also just been diagnosed with CLL. So we have been in email contact ever since. She immediately had treatment, as often happens in the USA, I believe, and so I was even more confused when I was put on watch and wait, was I too ill to have treatment? My medical team did not explain much and I did not ask because I did not know what to ask and would not ask about my mortality as I did not want to hear the reply. When I received copies of medial letters I did not understand the wording about staging or blood test results etc… Again still in practical mode I started charting my blood test results on graph paper which I had to give up when it got the length of a toilet roll. My husband ‘does not do feelings’ or say much so my practical mode fitted in well. My tips would be to get emotional support whether with a professional, family or good friends. Some people find meditation helps but I am useless at that. I would find out that the Bloodwise website gives reliable information, booklets, join this community forum, use their support line and be kind to yourself and have treats. But there is no getting away from it I think you are in tremendous shock and in limbo with those fears, thoughts and feelings so do hobbies, perhaps read or listen to music and take lots of care of yourself.